During the Middle Ages, Christians moved New Year’s Day back to December 25 to commemorate the birth of Jesus. The move antagonized college football bowl sponsors, who did not want to compete with a guy who could part the sea. Rumor has it that the tradition of making New Year’s resolutions dates back to 153 B.C. I write “rumor,” since I did not find this information on one of ESPN’s Sportscenter telecasts. Nonetheless, Janus, one of the mythical kings of Rome, could look towards the future with prescience and acuity. No one knows for sure whether Janus predicted the St. Louis Cardinals would win the 2011 World Series.
Since then, New Year’s resolutions have become the norm in numerous cultures, including in America. Most people spend a considerable amount of time composing lists of resolutions that they never intend to keep. They flock to the gym on January 1 to adhere to the losing weight resolution, but invariably, these people succumb to temptation and forgo the gym for Happy Meals. Resolutions rarely stick, which makes them so interesting to discuss.
In the sports world, some athletes make public their goals for the ensuing calendar year. The resolutions typically involve fattening their wallets, though they rarely discuss that motive. Instead of reading the inane resolutions of pampered athletes, I have decided to make resolutions for them, especially for the growing number of annoying athletes who just do not understand what it means to maintain a lower profile.
Brock Lesnar
Brock should resolve to never, ever set foot inside of a mixed martial arts ring again. He has made vows in the past to retire from the sport, but his accountant always prods him to engage superior opponents in a short, shameful display of his abilities. Lesnar was always more hype than talent. He lifted the profile of the sport. His only resolution for 2012 should be to disappear.
LeBron James
The NBA star who took his talents to South Beach should resolve to take over games, instead of vanishing faster than a Marv Albert toupee. Deference is a nice trait to possess, unless it means causing your team a chance at winning a championship. LeBron should resolve to carry the Heat on his back
Albert Pujols
“The Machine” should learn from his disgraced peers and come clean with his use of performance enhancing drugs. MLB will eventually out Pujols, once the league chooses another poster boy to sell the game. Claiming that Pujols never used PEDS is akin to claiming John Goodman never enjoyed an unlimited buffet.
Sidney Crosby
The NHL has a concussion problem. Crosby, perhaps the highest profile player in the league, should actively promote measures that reduce the incidence of concussions. He can also educate the public on the debilitating long-term effects of sustaining serious head injuries.
Peyton Manning
One of the greatest quarterbacks to play the game has reached the crossroad of his career. He should resolve to do the right thing and publicly announce that he will mentor Andrew Luck. He can still play a few more years, while providing the Colts with a seamless transition between quarterback eras.
NCAA
The most hypocritical sports organization (That is saying a lot) should toss all of its computers from their high-rise perches and adopt some type of college football playoff system. It will not happen this year, since the BCS finally got it right by matching the two best teams in the national championship game.
Mike Krzyzewski
The winningest coach in men’s college basketball history should lobby to have his last name eligible as a Scrabble word.
Danica Patrick
Patrick should resolve to stop pretending that she is a racecar driver. She should admit that she is nothing more than the salesperson for a sport that is trying to attract casual fans. Google her name and you will know what I mean.
Phil Jackson
Resolve to change your phone number. The Lakers will be calling you before Valentine’s Day to save the franchise. Enjoy your retirement living in the vast wilderness somewhere in Montana. Kobe Bryant is not worth a return to the NBA.
Boston Bruins
Resolve to take it easy on the rest of the league. Your complete dominance has people talking about the dreaded “D” word. The NHL prides itself on league parity. They cannot afford a dynasty.
Dick Vitale
This is not one for you, Dickie V. This is for the scientists who spend countless hours in laboratories devising gizmos that make our lives better. Please resolve to develop a human mute button.
Jim Boeheim
Do the right thing and resign. The longer you drag out the Fine scandal, the better chance that the NCAA will render your name irrelevant in the annals of college basketball history. Child molestation is not one of those things that you can sweep under the table, as you seem to do with recruiting violation allegations.
Drew Brees
You exemplify what is good in sports, despite what your detractors say about you running up the score just to set a record. You can put aside your strong personal integrity for just one minute by getting on a platform and yelling to the San Diego Chargers, “I told you so!”
Deion Sanders
You should resolve to toss out your wardrobe and start dressing like the common man. The suits you wear make you look like, well, let us just say your suits belong on the street, not at a table where grown men discuss football. While we are nitpicking your appearance, shave the beard. The Redd Foxx look went out of style in the seventies.
Frank McCourt
Resolve to stop blaming everyone but yourself for your numerous mistakes. Look in the mirror to see who is responsible for infidelity and poor financial management. The Dodgers deserve to move on from your ruinous ways.
Steve Williams
You are saying all the wrong things about Tiger. Save us the racism and enlighten us about PEDs. It is obvious that Tiger did not get his bulging biceps from eating cans of spinach.
Pat Summit
Educate us about Alzheimer’s disease. It may be one of the most misunderstood illnesses. You can help so many people who struggle taking care of a family member who has succumbed to the life altering disease. Become the face for finding a cure.
Have a safe and enriching 2012!